NU #42 - The Skill Nobody Teaches Kids: How To Actually Set A Goal.

I ask my clients this question all the time: "What's your goal this season?" or "What are you working toward this term?" "What do you hope to gain from working with me?"

The answer is almost always the same. Vague. Off the cuff. Meaningless. "To get better." "To win." "To get better grades." Or, they default to a sport-based skill. "To get faster." To shoot the puck harder."

These are not goals. They are wishes or desires.

Here's something most parents don't realize: goal setting is a skill, not an instinct. Nobody is born knowing how to do it well, and almost nobody is explicitly taught. We assume kids will just figure it out — through sports or through school. They don't. I see this constantly with both my academic clients and my athletes: bright, driven kids who want to improve but have never once been shown how to build a goal that actually works.

So let's fix that. Here are the 6 things every kid needs to learn about setting goals — whether the goal lives on a report card or a scoreboard.

The 6 Things Kids Need To Learn

1. A goal needs a number. "Get better at math" isn't measurable. "Raise my test average from a 72 to an 80" is. The brain can't aim at something fuzzy — it needs a target it can actually see itself hitting.

2. A goal needs a deadline. Without one, it's just a someday-idea. I tell my clients: if it doesn't have a date attached, it's not a goal yet — it's a hope.

3. The goal has to be theirs. Kids commit to what they choose, not what's handed to them. When a goal is parent-issued or coach-issued, motivation evaporates the second things get hard. My job — and yours — is to guide them to their own answer, not supply it.

4. Big goals need small steps. A 14-year-old hockey player who wants to make AAA next season can't do anything productive with that goal sitting untouched for ten months. He needs to know what this week's piece of it looks like. Break it down until it's small enough to act on today.

5. Process matters more than outcome. This is the one that trips kids up the most. You can't fully control whether you make the team, win the game, or get the mark. You can control the reps, the habits, the prep. Teach kids to set goals around what they do, not just what they hope happens to them. The key here is to teach them to become reflective & how to self-monitor.

6. Goals need check-ins, not just finish lines. A goal set in September and never looked at again until June is just a forgotten note. Build in regular moments — weekly, monthly — to ask: is this still working? Do I need to adjust?

3 Mistakes I See Parents & Coaches Make

Even well-meaning adults get this wrong in predictable ways:

• Setting the goal for the kid. It feels efficient, but it strips out the ownership that actually drives effort. Guide the conversation — don't write the answer.

• Going straight to outcome, skipping process. "Win provincials" sounds exciting, but it gives a kid nothing to do on a random Tuesday in February. Process goals are what fill the months between now and the outcome.

• One goal, set once, never revisited. Kids — and honestly, most adults — need permission to adjust. A goal that's too easy, too hard, or no longer relevant should be allowed to evolve. Treating it as fixed just teaches kids to give up quietly when it stops fitting.

  
  

What helps: the next time your child mentions wanting to improve at something, resist the urge to hand them a plan. Ask great questions instead — what does "better" look like for you, by when, and what's one small thing you could do this week?  That conversation, repeated often enough, is what actually builds the skill.

That's all I have for now. Thanks for reading.

Jen